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A Bandit in the House March 25, 2007

Posted by reddlissa in Uncategorized.

Average Joe and I had quite an exciting end to our Saturday night — something that is almost too weird to believe.

We spent an enjoyable evening at MerrieB and Jonathan’s, just relaxing and having a great time with a small group of friends.  We got home around 1:00 and as we were crawling into bed, Joe noticing a blur move through the bedroom.  He turned to me and said in a very calm voice, “I don’t want you to freak out but there’s a raccoon in the bathroom.”  At first I didn’t believe him; I thought it was on of our cats.    As I was arguing with him about the possibility of a raccoon being in the house, the damn bandit zipped out of the bathroom into the bedroom!!

Needless to say, I freaked out.  Joe tried to corral the animal out of the room and out the backdoor but the raccoon was so scared it simply ran under our bed.  I ran out of the room and grabbed both cats to keep them out of the way and to keep them safe from raccoon claws.  I will admit I was totally freaked out and I locked myself in the office.  Joe suggested looking on the Internet for help but I was unable to find anything.  I tried to call 2 different animal control numbers, both of which were only answering machines. 

Joe came up with the idea to coax the raccoon out with food, so he laid a trial of bologna to the back door.  We both hid in the bathroom and stayed absolutely silent, hoping the animal would relax a bit and follow the food out of the house.  After waiting for a long 10 minutes, we realized it wasn’t going to leave the only safety it had found so we discussed other options.  THe only answer we came up with was to call 911.

I have to tell you that I felt like such an idiot calling 911 for a raccoon under my bed.  I even told the operator how silly I Felt but that I was out of ideas and had nowhere else to turn.  The 911 operator transferred my call to someone else ( I have no idea who) and he offered me a few phone numbers to call.  He asked if I wanted an officer to come to the house but told me the officer would not approach the animal because it was wild.  I told the operator not to dispatch any officers and hung up.  I called all the numbers he gave me and  all had been disconnected.  [I won’t launch into a rant about the ineffectiveness of the 911 organization and how this isn’t the first time I’ve had a useless run-in with the people working there.]

By this point, Joe and I are nearing the end of our rope.  He suddenly remembered our friend Cathy who works as a veterinary assistant.  He called her and after she stopped laughing she suggested that we put a bit of weed into some cheese and wait till the raccoon passed out then we could carry him outside.  Only problem was we don’t make a habit of keeping marijuana in our home (duh!).  Her second suggestion was to open all the doors to the outside and try to scare it from under the bed in the hopes it would run out.

As I was headed to the front door to put this plan in motion, the doorbell rang.  Joe and I looked at each other in confusion and then cautiously opened the door.  Two police officers were standing on the front porch.  They asked if there was some sort of problem or disturbance, and Joe and I had to explain that we had a wild raccoon stuck under the bed.  We both felt quite foolish and the cops seemed very skeptical.  I told all 3 officers (another one had joined the group) that I told the 911 dispatcher that we did NOT need any help and one of the officers said they received the call as a 911 hang-up.  I was very apologetic and one of the officer’s asked, “Are you sure everything’s okay?”  My response was, “Unless you have any ideas on how we can get this guy out from under the bed, we really don’t need anything.”  Under his breath, the other officer chuckled, “I don ‘t think we have handcuffs that small.”  We all laughed and then the officers said good-night and left. 

Once the officers left, Joe and I decided to return to our last remaining plan; scare the raccoon and pray that it runs out the house.  I opened both outside doors then Joe went into the bedroom and starting shaking the bed.  The raccoon emerged for a brief moment but instead of running out of the bedroom it jumped on the windowsill and hid between he window and the back of Joe’s night table.  I had the idea of opening the window so the animal could simply hop out of the room, so I grabbed a screwdriver and ran outside to pop the screen off.  Once I had the screen off, Joe opened the window.  The noise of the latches scared the raccoon and it ran back under the bed.  Luckily Joe was able to quickly coax it out from it’s hiding spot and it headed straight for freedom. 

Throughout the entire ordeal, Joe was very calm — he keep saying, “he’s so cute!” and he actually wanted to keep the raccoon.  I was very cautious and reminded Joe many times not to touch the animal or get too close.  Raccoons will bit and claw if they feel cornered and many of them carry rabies.  Fortunately nothing bad happened (except for the crap that the raccoon left in my closest and under the bed) and after about an hour or so, Joe and I were able to finally go to bed.

What a night!!



1. An Unwelcome Guest « Life Among the Loons - April 16, 2008

[…] Unwelcome Guest The bandit is back…damn […]

2. sassybug - October 7, 2008

No handcuffs that small! HA! That is a funny, funny story!

Thanks for visiting my blog, I hope your students enjoy the new terms!! I am still new to this blog thing but gosh I am having so much fun, it’s 10 times better than grading papers. Can I add you to my blogroll? I look forward to more raccoon stories, as long as they aren’t mine!

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