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Good Heavens, Please Tell Me It’s Not My Eyebrows! June 22, 2008

Posted by reddlissa in Single Life.

Several weeks ago I was at a poolside gathering with several female acquaintances.  The normal female talk somehow wound its way to eyebrows.  As I listened, the other women spent at least 10 minutes proclaiming the joys and bemoaning the woes of several different eyebrow maintenance practices; plucking, waxing, threading, and tattooing.  One of the women noticed I had contributed nothing to this riveting conversation and looked at me, perfectly trimmed eyebrows raised in question, and asked, “So what do you do?”  After an awkward 10-second silence I muttered in embarrassment, “Nothing really.  I’ve never thought so much about eyebrows until this very moment.”  “Oh,” she responded and turned back to the other eyebrow expert with a look of horror on her face.  “I see!” 

As I cared little for a majority of these women, I quickly forgot this conversation…until today.  Spend fifteen minutes cleaning out your dresser drawer of old swimsuits and tell me that you don’t run head first into the brick wall of self-reflection.  Spend an hour in the bath with a Dean Koontz novel and and couple of beers and tell me that you don’t emerge with a line of thought something like this:

All those women were married.  All of those women perform regular eyebrow maintenance.  I am not now nor have I ever been married.  I have no regular eyebrow maintenance.  Oh my god…perfect eyebrows are the key to getting married.  Men are subconsciously judging women by their eyebrows and I am failing every test.   Somehow the well-coiffed female eyebrow signals love, affection, great sex, home cooking, a clean house, maternal strength, and a willness to still let you hang out with the guys and drink beer especially during the big game.  A non-maintained eyebrow must therefore speak of…oh the horrors cannot be named!  No wonder I’m single, my eyebrows are sending out signals that drive the guys away worse than garlic breath and a hair-growing wart at the tip of my nose.          

Yes, my mind truly operates this way….



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